why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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