Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
it hurts more in the daytime
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
