i think my tv is drunk
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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