I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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