i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
