apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
