You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
