omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
