I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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