im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
