He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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