did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
