Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
