pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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