Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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