Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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