Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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