my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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