i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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