I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
