There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
