i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
