You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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