my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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