Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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