please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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