why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
