Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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