Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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