i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
