just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
