Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
