"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
