we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
