I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
