the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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