so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
