Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
