just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
