did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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