I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
