Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
