Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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