I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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