Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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