She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
