Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
