Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
