if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
