I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
