I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
